What a mother 2020 is turning out to be, huh? Pandemic, mystery seeds from China, Tik Tok controversy, presidential election, political divides, and racial tensions. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster ride for the last five months and not a short-lived, fun-filled ride. More one that makes you puke when the coaster rolls into the station.
Shortly after the pandemic began, New Jersey was inundated with COVID-19 cases and I found myself unexpectedly working from home. I was excited by the prospect of having three hours of commute time to use in more productive ways than sitting in NJ highway traffic. I was excited to be the kind of present mom that working full-time had disallowed. I even wrote a couple of articles about how great all of this would be and how there was a silver lining to lockdown. I was so funny. I had grand, grand plans — I would clean the pantries, stock up on essentials in case the worst happened. I would make homemade, nutritious meals, and serve them at the proper dinner hour instead of at 8:30 pm. I would edit and polish my manuscript and shop it out to agents. I was excited about this new work from home gig.
At first, I did do many of these things. I greeted the teens with hugs and fresh eggs and toast for breakfast, or whatever their little hearts desired. A few hours later, I would make a healthy lunch for them, as well, and then start planning dinner around 3:00 pm. I promised myself I would workout every day and use the extra time to run a few more miles, too. I stoked my passion for trail running again, by getting out for lunchtime runs. I baked multi-grain bread, and homemade croissants that I had been promising to make for years, and years. I folded loads and loads of laundry. I painted and redecorated our laundry room. I cleaned feverishly to keep the germs at bay that my husband, a nurse, brought home from the hospital. I plowed full-steam ahead.
One day, I found myself getting irritated with the teen’s needy requests for breakfast, then lunch, then dinner. Really, what am I doing? I felt resentment seeping into my little, perfect, pandemic world. I mean, they’re both teenagers old enough to take care of their own meals. Next, I found it hard to sleep. All the tasks I had required of myself poked at my psyche while I tried to sleep, coupled with worries about catching the virus and what that would mean for our family. During the day, I found myself getting teary for seemingly no reason and feeling anxious. Still, I continued to pressure myself to get all the things done, ignoring the fact that I was also working a full-time job in the middle of trying to play Susie Homemaker.
I was learning how to navigate working from home with new technology, finding workarounds for easy, everyday corporate tasks, keeping in touch with those who work for me, and trying to sustain and prove my value within my new workplace environment. In addition, I don’t have dedicated office space at home, but rather shared our living room with two teenagers who were remote learning and navigating their own set of social and educational changes. At first, we managed to successfully occupy the same space all day, day after day until later in the afternoons when they were done with school and I still had work to do that required attention to detail. I found myself annoyed at every turn from normal teenage happenings. Add to the mix, my husband working on the frontlines, and I was struggling — hard.
One day, an email popped up from my gynecologist, which read something along the lines of ‘these are stressful times, and many of us may be feeling anxiety and depression. We are prepared to handle these issues via telemedicine.” Feeling exceedingly desperate, I called to make an appointment. I am hard-pressed to take an Advil for a headache, so talking this step was difficult for me, but I knew something had to change. I had been down this road seven years ago when my mom passed away, so I knew the anxious-trying-to-keep-it-altogether feeling and I knew medication had helped before. Days prior to the telemedicine appointment I felt dread, defeat, but also hope that I could find a way to manage some of what I was experiencing. My gyn discussed some options and I decided a short-term, short-acting anti-anxiety medication was worth a go. I filled my prescription, initially not even telling my husband. I was too embarrassed. I was keeping it all together, after all.
Despite my reservations about taking it, the medication certainly helped. I could finally sleep and give myself a little breather from all that was weighing me down. In this clarity, I realized I could no longer keep up the frantic, pandemic pace, and unrealistic expectations I had set for myself. I needed to make some serious changes.
First off, I fired myself as breakfast cook, and let the kids handle that unless I truly had the time and would enjoy making it. I let them fend for themselves for lunch. I stopped trying to bake homemade goodies and complicated dinners every day. I stopped vacuuming and scrubbing and disinfecting every day and somedays let the laundry pile grow large. I have a plan to carve out some dedicated office space before school starts up again, as it looks like we’ll all be home toiling away on our computers this fall. I’ve given myself permission to embrace the fact that these are uncertain, often scary times. I have allowed myself to adapt gently without feeling like I have to get everything done and get it done now. There are still days when I find myself chasing that non-existent Susie-Homemaker-Work-from-home rock star, but I try to temper the feeling with a heavy dose of reality.
If you’re struggling, like I was, don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professionals to help sort through those feeling so you can find balance again. I wish I had done it sooner. It is important to remember these are unprecedented times, and there is no right way to tackle every feeling and every new adjustment/development this pandemic is tossing at us. I lost myself for a little while in the thick of the pandemic chaos, but I also found how to take care of me.
Jeannine M. DeHart 